Tuesday, 25 February 2020

Our Angel Mila

It seems pretty unfair that once again im back in this dark place.  It's like my mind is in a prison that I can't break it out from. Another piece of me has gone and I will never get it back. Another daughter has her Angel wings.
our beautiful Mila was born at 19 weeks, so perfect and so peaceful. Her  dainty little fingers and toes and her tiny button nose so perfectly formed makes it so hard to believe that her eyes will never open and and that we will never see her smile.
my heart breaks at the thought of never feeling her move or kick again and never hearing the magical sound of her tiny heart beating.  Why us? Why us again?
Grief is an unpredictable thing. It affects us all in different ways and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. 
I've dealt with the grief from losing my dad and 8 years ago when we lost our first little Angel Sophia, but nothing prepares you for it. Each time is different and you never fully recover, I guess in time it becomes a part of your day to day life and you learn to live alongside it.
One thing that had made this time more bearable is the support that we've had from the midwives to  the hospital staff who all went above an beyond to make us as comfortable as possible. We also have a bereavement midwife who has stayed in touch with us to make sure that we are both ok following the birth.  The charities that meant we had a little memory box and a teddy bear to remember her by are just amazing and The work they do is priceless. They are 4luis.co.uk and achingarms.co.uk.  We will be donating a memory box and a bear in memory of Mila on behalf of these charities to help another poor family having to deal with the loss of their baby.

I'm still recovering slowly from the birth itself was pretty traumatic this time round because my body over contracts.  I had to have medication to slow the contractions down which didn't work and I was then rushed to theatre because I was losing a lot of blood and my placenta wouldn't deliver. 
The journey we are on will be a long one but we have amazing family and friends around us.  We are doing everything we can to keep Milas memory alive for us and especially the kids who already loved their baby sister so much.  Our second little Angel is now in the arms of her big sister Sophia and they will both be a big part of our family.

Friday, 24 January 2020

The Struggle is real

This pregnancy seems to be going pretty fast. On Monday we find out the sex of the baby and I'm full of nerves for the scan itself despite having one 4 weeks ago and seeing our healthy baby on the screen.
When we were waiting for our turn to be scanned I saw a face that filled me with instant dread.  It took a few minutes to place him but he was the sonographer who told us that Sophias heart had stopped 8 years ago. It's a situation I know I've not dealt with properly and nearly had a panic attack over the thought of history repeating itself. Thank goodness for Dale being there to calm me down.
I'd already recided that if it was him that called my name then I was going to ask to wait until another sonographer was free. This probably sounds ridiculous to most but I wouldn't have coped in there with him. 
Thankfully I wasn't on his list and all was well. 

I'm a bag of nerves already for Monday as I am with all scans. The kids however are so excited to find out whether they are having a new baby sister or a baby brother. Kasper comes home from school everyday and the first thing he does is tell me how many days left until we find out. 
I wish I was one of those people who could wait and have it be a surprise but I like to be fully prepared when the baby comes and there's only so many neutral baby grows you can buy!. We also always make sure we have names set in stone before the gender scan so that we can put name to baby as soon as we find out. 

This pregnancy so far has been tough. I'm having a lot of problems with my back as I've had to come off my strong pain killers while I'm pregnant.  I'm also still not eating much and my iron levels have plummeted. 
  My mental health is suffering too. I keep telling myself that I can't do this again, that I won't be a good mother etc when I'm having a bad few days. I put a lot of nopressure on myself about how I look too and at the moment I feel and look disgusting.  I can't remember the last time I even wore makeup.  I feel perminantly hungover and I've not even had the fun the night before. 
I'm hoping that once Monday is done and dusted my mood will improve a little.  Fingers crossed🀞

Saturday, 4 January 2020

Oscar turns 10

When you have a baby you tend to have people with children tell you how you should treasure every moment because before you know it years will have passed and they will have grown up.  While you are struggling with sleep deprivation and knee deep in nappies and baby bottles you can't see past the end of the next day let alone a year so it seems so unlikely at the time.
Today my first born made it to double figures.  He's 10! That's an entire decade old! I've managed to keep a whole other person safe and alive for 10 whole years, and those years have gone in a flash.
It feels like yesterday that after 22hrs in labour I was handed a tiny, hairy and beautiful little boy.  I remember falling in love and being utterly terrified all at the same time.   I was barely able to look after myself,  how was I going to be responsible for someone else? And he was so small and looked very breakable.   Noone tells you that from that day forward you will worry from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep at night, it's a never ending cycle of anxiety.   It's also the most rewarding job in the world.  Watching them grow and turning into little people, hearing them call you mummy and taking their first little steps.  They are the most important person in your life and to them you are their entire world. There is nothing quite like it.

I'm so proud of how Oscar has grown up to be the most clever (sometimes a little too clever for his own good) caring boy.  He's the best big brother to his 3 siblings and I know he will dote on the baby when he/she arrives.

It is true

Thursday, 28 November 2019


So the cat is out of the bag! We are pregnant!!
As you can imagine with Dale having a vasectomy earlier in the year, it has come as quite a shock to us! After he had the procedure we were told that it would take about 3 months to get the all clear, and an accident happened before he was tested again πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆ I think we were a little naieve to think that all would be fine.

Il be honest,  there were tears shed when we found out.  The idea of being pregnant all over again after how bad it was with Marley was pretty scary.  My body has always disliked being pregnant and I had quite a lot of problems and was in and out of hospital.
We went back and forth about whether continuing with the pregnancy would be the right thing to do when we weighed everything up.  5 children would be hard work and there would be a 10 year age gap between our eldest and the baby.  I'm also at 34 considered an older mum which is something I never wanted to be.

After lengthy discussions it was decided that we couldn't imagine every terminating the pregnancy.  I've never felt that it would ever be an option for me, although I am fully pro choice when it comes to abortion.

Yesterday we went for a scan to check that all was going well with the baby and we got to see it on screen with its little heart flickering away.  I was totally in love!! It's a little miracle and we are very lucky to have been given the chance to have one last little bundle to love.  It is going to be a hard pregnancy, we both know that but the gift we get at the end is priceless.

5 children though!!! We must be totally crazy πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Thursday, 31 October 2019


The last month or so I've really been struggling with my mental health again. It's hard that I'm not really a talker. I let things build up to a point where I can no longer cope with it. It's a bad habit, I've got so used to covering my feelings so well so when I do finally explode it looks like it's come from nowhere. I'm hoping once I finally start my therapy I can learn a new way of dealing with these issues.

At the moment I'm trying to fully focus on getting things ready for Christmas. I know it's only October (until tomorrow anyway) but once Kaspers birthday has come and gone I have to start getting presents. 4 children, 2 of which have birthdays on 29th Dec and 4th Jan and a 3rd on 30th January so it's an expensive month to leave it all until the month before.
I have a few more bits to get for the kids and I'm done and then it's just family to sort out.
I get so excited to see their little faces every year. I love knowing I've done a good job (with some help from the husband when he's not cursing me for dragging him shopping).
Once christmas and birthdays are out of the way I can relax a little before saving for our holiday in August.

This morning I've been woken up at 5am from an excited Kasper who has been waiting for Halloween for so long. Tonight will consist of trick or treating with the kids and then we are going to cuddle up on the sofa with a hot chocolate and watch Hocus Pocus.  I love the autumn, especially Halloween.

Wednesday, 25 September 2019

Scarlett - Rose

As Scarlett is getting older she seems to be trying to push the boundaries more and had developed a real attitude. I'm sure it's karma biting back at me for how I treated my mum when I was younger.
On Monday however, she crossed the line massively.  Dale took the kids to the shop on the way back from the school run and as he was paying for some milk Scarlett wandered off, and then rejoined him as they were leaving the shop.
When we got home the kids did what they usually do on school days which is get out of their school clothes and put them in the basket ready for washing.
As scarlett was taking off her cardigan, a freddo (those chocolate frog things) fell out of her sleeve.  When questioned about where she got it from she stomped up the stairs and slammed the door.
She later admitted to taking it from the shop.  I've never been so mortified in all my life.  She's 6 years old, why on earth does it even enter her head to do something like that?  We've always been very clear about stealing and how wrong it is so she knew when she did it that it was wrong. Its also not like she never gets sweets or chocolate either. They have a treat day on a Saturday when they can have sweets etc and they almost always have things during the week if they are well behaved.
After speaking to Dale's mum who we always go to for advise it was decided that as punishment, she missed her gymnastics class plus we took her back to the shop the next day to explain what she'd done, apologise for what she'd done and pay for the chocolate she'd taken.  They were really good about it and told her that it was naughty to steal which made her cry so I'm satisfied it was enough for her to take in.

This incident has made me wonder if we are going wrong with our parenting somewhere. Is it normal for a 6 year old to do things like this? Should I be worried? I want my children to grow up to be respectful and have good morals. I wish there was some sort of parenting manual so that I don't feel like I'm winging my way through life.

Thursday, 12 September 2019

An open letter to Kasper on your 1st day ♥️

As you sleep so peacefully in your bed for the last time as a pre schooler I'm laid in mine reminiscing about the last 4 years. 4 years of that cheeky little laugh and your crazy imaginative personality.
You were the first baby I had all to myself at home while daddy went to work. (Grandma lived with us when your big brother and sister were born so I never really had much one on one time at the beginning). You've only just turned 4 so are still quite young as you start school.
I think that's why I don't feel ready for this as it's come around so quickly.

You are such a loving, caring little man and I know everyone will fall in love with you in an instant.  You will make so many amazing friends, possibly some that you will remain friends with for life like mummy did.
As you move into this brand new, exciting chapter, remember what you've been taught. You know how to be polite, how to share (although sometimes you need to be reminded) and you know how to be nice to others, especially those who need a little extra kindness.
The time has come for you to spread your little wings.  I know you will be nervous when it comes to us leaving you there in the morning but I promise you that you will love every minute.
Mummy and daddy are so proud of you and I cannot wait for you to come running out of the classroom doors to tell me all about your first day.

Our Angel Mila

It seems pretty unfair that once again im back in this dark place.  It's like my mind is in a prison that I can't break it out from....