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Wednesday, 8 July 2020

Broken

Im really struggling today. i feel sad and hopeless and i cant pull myself out of it,  I told myself that once Milas due date had paased, that id be able to get on with it and learn to move on. I thought that i would start to heal and come to terms with the fact that she isnt coming home.

As ive talked about before, Mila was an accident. we had come to the decision after having Marley that we were done having children and that 4 was the right number to stop on.  Dale went and had his vasectomy in September and during the 3 month window where you are supposed to use precautions, Mila was concieved.
I wont lie and say that we were over the moon when we found out, we were both a bit shell shocked and worried because one of the reasons we decided not to have any more babies was because pregnancy takes a serious toll on my body. I had problems with my kidneys with Marley and developed gestational diabetes. i was in and out of the hospital quite a lot so when he was born it was decided that it would be best for me and fir my body not to be pregnant again,
The shock didnt last long though and I quickly came around to the idea of having another addition to our family and we were excited to meet her.
Unfortunitely it wasnt meant to be and after my waters broke at 16 weeks we were told that the water around baby was low, and by 19 weeks there was no water at all and sadly Mila passed away.

Since having her ive got a pain in my heart that wont shift, some days I cope fine, and i thought i was actually coping pretty well until today when i realised what i was doing.
Ive been hoping and praying that my period doesnt come. Ive been telling myself that i will conceive another baby. Today when I realised that my period had arrived, i was heartbroken. Just like i was last month and the month bedore,
I know that its not possible because Dale has had a Vasectomy but its kind of been keeping me going,
Im sat here on my own in the middle of the night sobbing at the realisation that its never going to happen again. Il never be pregnant or be in that amazing new born bubble again and i just cant come to terns with that.   Im meant to be awake because im feeding my newborn baby right now, Instead im sat crying and looking at her tiny hand prints in the frame on my wallm along side those of her big sister that we lost 9 years ago. what do i do and how can i move on from this?? I know i Have 4 beautiful children already and believe me when i say i feel so blessed to have them, but it doesnt stop this from hurting,   

Wednesday, 1 July 2020

Learning to cope

Thankfully we are now finally in July. I know it sounds stupid to "hate" particular months but id rather hide under a rock for the whole of May each year. it reminds me of really dark times that Ive not properly dealt with.
This year June was much of the same.
Yesterday was the date I was booked in to have Mila by c-section. I should be all consumed in my newborn baby bubble right now. Another little princess to call my own.  its hard to say that it wasnt meant to be because my heart still thinks it is. Im longing to hold my new baby in my arms and never let her go, but im learning slowly how to come to terms with the fact that unfortunately we cant have anymore babies. Mila was our last little miracle. it hurts, both physically and mentally.

We are gradually starting to see a new normal after coming out of lockdown. we decided that although Kasper could have gone back to school, that we think it would be safer to keep them all at home until September. This is a personal choice and i dont judge anyone who has decided otherwise, you have to do what is right for your family.
we have now had all 4 kids at home for 14 weeks. we try to do some schoolwork with them but arnt pressuring them into completing every thing thats been set. It got to the point where both the kids and us were perminantly stressed out. Their mental health is much more important especially with all the changes at the moment. Each day for us is different and some days like today are hard but we are muddling through one day at a time.



We have all loved the recent heat wave and have taken full advantage of the fact that we can get the pool out. Our garden is only small and not very accomodating but we make the most of it and the kids have had the best time splashing about and soaking us at every opportunity.



We were so happy last weekend to finally be re-united with nanny and grandad! the kids have struggled alot with not seeing them so it was lovely to have a little bbq in their garden and the kiddies got to play in the pool and run through the sprinklers. we obviously adhered to the guidelines which feels so odd but so grateful to be out and spending time with the family at long last.


Im now keeping everything crossed that the easing of the lockdown rules doesnt create a second wave of the virus. This year so far has been a pretty harsh one all round. we are now over the half way point xx





Tuesday, 5 May 2020

May

Im having a bit of a hard time at the moment. Lockdown is starting to make me go crazy and my anxiety is at an all time high.
May is the worst month of the year for me. Its the month i gave birth to and then buried our first little princess Sophia. She would have been almost 9 now..i always wonder what sort of personality she would have had, whether her hair would be ginger like her little sisters and if she would be just as sassy. A piece of my heart died when she did and there has been a hole ever since. Something changes in you when you bury a child. you will never be the same person again and although with time you learn how to live life along side it, the grief never stops. i guess you just find a new normal and cope the best you can.

My dad died in May too. he never got to meet my amazing husband or his grand children. He would have loved every moment of being a grandad and the kids would have adored him.  I was only 22 when he died.  Nothing prepares you for the pain you feel when you lose a parent. We were close, he knew how to wind me up and we always argued but i loved him so much and id give anything for a cuddle from him now and for him to reasure me.
Ive never fully come to terms with his death and after 12 years there are still days when i cry and grieve for him.

Because of these traumas i have always dreaded this month coming about. I have anxiety in April because i know whats coming. My anxiety is mostly because of people around me dying, my head sits and goes through different situations where Dale or one of the kids die because im so terrified of losing someone else. I dont know if i could carry on if that happened.

Its also my Birthday on Thirsday. Im never able to feel happy and to celebrate because my anxiety wont let me.  I dont feel like i deserve to be happy in the month i lost my dad and my baby. I try my hardest to put on a brave face because Dale and the kids go to so much effort every year and i feel bad that this black cloud gets in the way every year.
I did start therapy just before i fell pregnant with Mila but because the pregnancy was so hard I decided to wait until after the baby was born. Obviously losing Mila has now added to my sadness so its something i will be self refering to again. Im  also on the highest dose of anti depressants and anxiety meds so therapy os the only thing i can do now to help my mental health.

I keep trying to tell myself that Im allowed to feel sad about all these things. Im allowed to be sad this month.  My long term goal is to be able to get a hold of my anxiety  and be able to live again. i want to be able to have fun and i dont want to dread certain things coming up.
Im hoping therapy teaches me new coping methods for when days/weeks/months lile this happen.

Tuesday, 7 April 2020

Lockdown and Home Schooling

To say that the current situation is scary would be an understatement.  Im struggling to keep level headed about the whole thing, mainly because the main source of my anxiety centres around death and my loved ones dying.  Im happy that the kids are at home so that i know that im doing everything i can to keep them as safe as possible but Dale has had to venture out a few times now to get the necessities and prescriptions so of course my mind has been racing about that.

Home schooling has actually gone remarkably well so far and im amazed at just how resiliant the kids have been and they have really settled in well to their new learning environment and i cant praise the school enough for keeping them all busy by setting tasks online for them to complete and all 3 of their teachers have been in touch to check on their progress and to offer support if we need it.
One person who is struggling though is little Marley who cant quite understand why he doesnt have the same level of attention during the day time and why hes not able to go to places and visit his favourite place (the park). I feel like a horrible parent having to tell him that he cant go on the slide but unfortunately its about keeping him safe so it cant be helped.

We have given the two eldest a notebook so that they can record their daily tasks and what they have done, that way they will have it to look back on in years to come and remember those months where they were at home with us during something that will be documented in history. It will quite possibly be the biggest thing to happen in their lifetime like it is ours.

what has been lovely to see is how communities have all come together to help each other and be there for the most vulnerable. its truely remarkable to see the human race be so kind and thoughtful to one another.  Im so happy that key workers are finally getting the recognition they have deserved for such a long time and even more so now as they are risking their own lives to keep us safe and saves lives.  It has finally proved that is doesnt matter how rich monitary wise you are or what position within a company you are, when it comes down to it it means very little.   Material possessions mean nothing because they arnt going to save your life, its the Drs and nurses on very little pay that do that and i hope that after all this has passed that noone starts to forget that.

Tuesday, 25 February 2020

Our Angel Mila

It seems pretty unfair that once again im back in this dark place.  It's like my mind is in a prison that I can't break it out from. Another piece of me has gone and I will never get it back. Another daughter has her Angel wings.
our beautiful Mila was born at 19 weeks, so perfect and so peaceful. Her  dainty little fingers and toes and her tiny button nose so perfectly formed makes it so hard to believe that her eyes will never open and and that we will never see her smile.
my heart breaks at the thought of never feeling her move or kick again and never hearing the magical sound of her tiny heart beating.  Why us? Why us again?
Grief is an unpredictable thing. It affects us all in different ways and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. 
I've dealt with the grief from losing my dad and 8 years ago when we lost our first little Angel Sophia, but nothing prepares you for it. Each time is different and you never fully recover, I guess in time it becomes a part of your day to day life and you learn to live alongside it.
One thing that had made this time more bearable is the support that we've had from the midwives to  the hospital staff who all went above an beyond to make us as comfortable as possible. We also have a bereavement midwife who has stayed in touch with us to make sure that we are both ok following the birth.  The charities that meant we had a little memory box and a teddy bear to remember her by are just amazing and The work they do is priceless. They are 4luis.co.uk and achingarms.co.uk.  We will be donating a memory box and a bear in memory of Mila on behalf of these charities to help another poor family having to deal with the loss of their baby.

I'm still recovering slowly from the birth itself was pretty traumatic this time round because my body over contracts.  I had to have medication to slow the contractions down which didn't work and I was then rushed to theatre because I was losing a lot of blood and my placenta wouldn't deliver. 
The journey we are on will be a long one but we have amazing family and friends around us.  We are doing everything we can to keep Milas memory alive for us and especially the kids who already loved their baby sister so much.  Our second little Angel is now in the arms of her big sister Sophia and they will both be a big part of our family.


Friday, 24 January 2020

The Struggle is real

This pregnancy seems to be going pretty fast. On Monday we find out the sex of the baby and I'm full of nerves for the scan itself despite having one 4 weeks ago and seeing our healthy baby on the screen.
When we were waiting for our turn to be scanned I saw a face that filled me with instant dread.  It took a few minutes to place him but he was the sonographer who told us that Sophias heart had stopped 8 years ago. It's a situation I know I've not dealt with properly and nearly had a panic attack over the thought of history repeating itself. Thank goodness for Dale being there to calm me down.
I'd already recided that if it was him that called my name then I was going to ask to wait until another sonographer was free. This probably sounds ridiculous to most but I wouldn't have coped in there with him. 
Thankfully I wasn't on his list and all was well. 

I'm a bag of nerves already for Monday as I am with all scans. The kids however are so excited to find out whether they are having a new baby sister or a baby brother. Kasper comes home from school everyday and the first thing he does is tell me how many days left until we find out. 
I wish I was one of those people who could wait and have it be a surprise but I like to be fully prepared when the baby comes and there's only so many neutral baby grows you can buy!. We also always make sure we have names set in stone before the gender scan so that we can put name to baby as soon as we find out. 

This pregnancy so far has been tough. I'm having a lot of problems with my back as I've had to come off my strong pain killers while I'm pregnant.  I'm also still not eating much and my iron levels have plummeted. 
  My mental health is suffering too. I keep telling myself that I can't do this again, that I won't be a good mother etc when I'm having a bad few days. I put a lot of nopressure on myself about how I look too and at the moment I feel and look disgusting.  I can't remember the last time I even wore makeup.  I feel perminantly hungover and I've not even had the fun the night before. 
I'm hoping that once Monday is done and dusted my mood will improve a little.  Fingers crossed🤞


Saturday, 4 January 2020

Oscar turns 10

When you have a baby you tend to have people with children tell you how you should treasure every moment because before you know it years will have passed and they will have grown up.  While you are struggling with sleep deprivation and knee deep in nappies and baby bottles you can't see past the end of the next day let alone a year so it seems so unlikely at the time.
Today my first born made it to double figures.  He's 10! That's an entire decade old! I've managed to keep a whole other person safe and alive for 10 whole years, and those years have gone in a flash.
It feels like yesterday that after 22hrs in labour I was handed a tiny, hairy and beautiful little boy.  I remember falling in love and being utterly terrified all at the same time.   I was barely able to look after myself,  how was I going to be responsible for someone else? And he was so small and looked very breakable.   Noone tells you that from that day forward you will worry from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep at night, it's a never ending cycle of anxiety.   It's also the most rewarding job in the world.  Watching them grow and turning into little people, hearing them call you mummy and taking their first little steps.  They are the most important person in your life and to them you are their entire world. There is nothing quite like it.

I'm so proud of how Oscar has grown up to be the most clever (sometimes a little too clever for his own good) caring boy.  He's the best big brother to his 3 siblings and I know he will dote on the baby when he/she arrives.

It is true

Broken

Im really struggling today. i feel sad and hopeless and i cant pull myself out of it,  I told myself that once Milas due date had paased, th...