Saturday, 30 March 2019

Mum Guilt

This week I got invited into the school for a mother's day coffee and craft morning. These types of things fill me with dread usually. I'm not really a "coffee shop" mum who gets together with other mums to talk about how amazing our kids are.  I'm the mum that stands in the playground at home time looking down at her phone pretending to be busy so as not to make eye contact with anyone.  It's not because I'm miserable (much to everyone's amazement) I guess I've just become a little socially awkward as I've gotten older.  I'm not sure what the reason for this is, but it's definitely something I need to address during my therepy sessions.

The morning was actually OK.  The 3 of us Sat together and coloured in some bookmarks for each other. The kids did about 10 actually because they decided they needed to reel out the family tree so that the world and his wife had one made for them.  I could see their little faces light up at having me there and Oscar clock watched the whole way through because he didn't want the session to end.  I have mum guilt a lot because sometimes there are things I'm not able to go to because of pain and it kills me when I have to disappoint them so seeing how happy they were to have me there was amazing.

I need to be present more and to get my health and brain into a better place. The one thing I'm worried about is them looking back on their childhood and seeing huge gaps where their mum should be.  I want them to know that I did my best and was there for the little things because they are the things that will mean the most. I want their memories of growing up to be the best ones.  I know it's cliché but they really don't stay small for long and every day counts. Before I know it they will be grown up and gone and my nest will be empty....... But that is definately something I don't want to think about.

Tuesday, 26 March 2019

Happy mum, happy children

This past week or so has been pretty tough both physically and mentally. My back pain has been so bad and my fibro has been playing up.
 I went for my first therepy session on Friday and she thinks thast I would benefit from EMDR therepy. It looks like I'm suffering from PTSD from a couple of traumas throughout the last 10 years. Its a big step for me because I don't like talking, especially to a stranger...I find therapists quite condescending sometimes and I'm not good with that. I'm now beginning to realise more and more the importance of talking to people when I'm not coping well because at the end of the day I have 4 tiny people depending on their mum and I'm not able to devote myself 100% to them if I don't take care of myself.  A Healthy,happy mum =healthy happy children.

Today was the dreaded food shop. We had the two smallest sleep thieves with us. The baby (whom has taken on the nickname moo since birth) absolutely loves the trolley and tries to take every item out that you put in.  He has gotten into the habit of trying to reach peoples handbags and attempting to pull them out. He's also started to growl at people and this normal? I mean it's bloody hilarious but I can't help but wonder where we got him from. He is definitely going to be hard work as he grows up. I can see the demon in his feral little face.

It wass Kasper's first taster session at pre school this morning.  He's still very much the baby (although definitely the boss) in our house. He has had the same childminder for 3 Years so its a massive change for him.  Dad went with him but he was very upset when he left the house. He was only there half an hour before begging to come home.  He has his second 1hr session in the morning but this time we leave him there without us.  My anxiety is through the roof because I hate the idea of him being there sobbing.
Its so hard to believe he starts school in September. I'm not ready and I'm not sure he is either.

Monday, 18 March 2019

Insults and shopping

I'm exhausted today. Sometimes I feel like I need a break after the weekends.... Or at least a bloody strong drink

We took all 4 kids to town on Sunday to do a bit of shopping, one of which has just finished potty training so needs reminding every 5 mins to tell us if he needs to go to the toilet. The baby was a little angel in his pushchair. The oldest two however thought it was the perfect opportunity to piss each other off and hurt each other pretty much the whole day.   The whining for this that and the other tested my patience to the limit and there was a point where I was considering handing out children to passers by.
By the time we got home both me and Dale felt like we needed checking into some sort of facility because we'd literally lost our minds.  All in all a bloody brilliant day all round.

This morning whilst doing the weekly food shop (and trying to stop my one year old leaning out of the trolley and trying to take people's handbags) A lady almost knocked into our trolley on her way to the till. Dale said to her she could go first to which she replied "no it's OK you have a little one and one on the way" after looking me up and down.
I could feel the tears building up. I felt mortified that I clearly looked pregnant when I'm definitely not.  Why don't people think before they open their mouths? Unless you're 100% sure which she's not because I'm a stranger.  Just don't say anything because really there is absolutely no need.
I spent the car journey home pretty much silent.  I've not made it out of the house a lot lately because of the way I look. I feel ashamed of the weight that I've gained. I feel horrid when I look in the mirror and id rather stay in my bubble at home with my husband and kids where I feel safe from people who can't help but make comments about my appearance. It's taken all of my might not to let myself get too down over it today. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and let the tears fall.

Tonight I had to go out. Oscar (my eldest) has been learning Karate and this evening was his first grading. He absolutely smashed it and has earnt his first belt.  I'm so proud of him and the fact he got up and did it in front of a room full of people is massive for him.  Now he has his red belt he's itching to earn his yellow belt. I'm. So happy he's found something that he loves and that has good at.

I have my first therepy session on Friday and I'm nervous what to expect. I'm hoping talking more will help me get a hold of how I'm feeling.  I'm not too good at talking to people about the serious stuff so will have to see how that pans out.

Now I need sleep, no doubt il be woken up at 5.30am again........ I feel tired for 2moro already.

Saturday, 16 March 2019

Anxiety in overdrive

Today was awful. It was one of those days for me where I wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there until  this feeling stopped.

I suffer badly with anxiety and depression due to a few life events that have basically ruled the last 10 years.  My anxiety is usually triggered by things that are happening around me and is only usually about my husband or kids.

My tribe consists of my amazing husband who takes the reins and does the things thast due to my back problems I can no longer do.  I have a 9yr old, 6yr old, 3yr old and a 1yr old. (Yes I know we are bloody crazy)

Last week we were told by our childminder that my 3 yr old Kasper is ready for pre school before he starts school in September. (Cue me having some sort of meltdown)
I know she's talking perfect sense and both my older children have gone to pre school but I find it so hard to trust new people to take care of my kids.
He loves his childminders so much and I know its going to break his little heart when he has to leave at easter.  As a 3 year old I'm worried that he won't cope well at school and starting only a few days after his 4th birthday. I keep being reassured that he will be fine and deep down I probably know this too and this is possibly more about me letting go rather than him not being ready but this is the strange way my brain works.

I think all this going round in my head and its put my anxiety into overdrive today. I've felt physically unwell and a little snappy.
Dale (super husband/daddy) did the right thing and forced me out of the house to get the boys hair cut as he knows when I'm like this I become a hermit which gives me too much time to focus on the bad stuff.

I'm now sat in bed with the baby asleep next to me in his cot watching some reality trash on TV hoping for a better day tomorrow.  I'm praying the sleep thieves sleep past 6am! X

Friday, 15 March 2019

Here goes

So here it is, my first blog post. I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing so please bare with me while I make a million spelling  mistakes.

This is me! 

My name is Rosie and I'm a wife and mother of 4 sleep thieves. Our lives are a little more complex than usual because due to an accident in 2010 where I broke my back, I suffer from chronic back pain, fibromyalgia and I am registered disabled. I suffer with depression and anxiety issues also which i work hard to try to get under control. Its always an on going process.

I read a lot of parenting and lifestyle Blogs but in my opinion there isn't enough honest accounts of motherhood.  Life isn't insta-perfect, at least mine certainly isn't and this will be my place to release my thoughts and feelings of things that happen day to day.
I want this to be very open and honest.  Being a mother is hard and sometimes Its a struggle. That doesnt mean I don't adore them because I'd die for them but there are certainly times where I need a time out.

I also want to share the amazing moments too because they're the ones that outweigh the bad right? They make it all worthwhile. Being a mum really is the best job in the world despite the Hiccup's along the way.


Im really struggling today. i feel sad and hopeless and i cant pull myself out of it,  I told myself that once Milas due date had paased, th...