I'm exhausted today. Sometimes I feel like I need a break after the weekends.... Or at least a bloody strong drink
We took all 4 kids to town on Sunday to do a bit of shopping, one of which has just finished potty training so needs reminding every 5 mins to tell us if he needs to go to the toilet. The baby was a little angel in his pushchair. The oldest two however thought it was the perfect opportunity to piss each other off and hurt each other pretty much the whole day. The whining for this that and the other tested my patience to the limit and there was a point where I was considering handing out children to passers by.
By the time we got home both me and Dale felt like we needed checking into some sort of facility because we'd literally lost our minds. All in all a bloody brilliant day all round.
This morning whilst doing the weekly food shop (and trying to stop my one year old leaning out of the trolley and trying to take people's handbags) A lady almost knocked into our trolley on her way to the till. Dale said to her she could go first to which she replied "no it's OK you have a little one and one on the way" after looking me up and down.
I could feel the tears building up. I felt mortified that I clearly looked pregnant when I'm definitely not. Why don't people think before they open their mouths? Unless you're 100% sure which she's not because I'm a stranger. Just don't say anything because really there is absolutely no need.
I spent the car journey home pretty much silent. I've not made it out of the house a lot lately because of the way I look. I feel ashamed of the weight that I've gained. I feel horrid when I look in the mirror and id rather stay in my bubble at home with my husband and kids where I feel safe from people who can't help but make comments about my appearance. It's taken all of my might not to let myself get too down over it today. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and let the tears fall.
Tonight I had to go out. Oscar (my eldest) has been learning Karate and this evening was his first grading. He absolutely smashed it and has earnt his first belt. I'm so proud of him and the fact he got up and did it in front of a room full of people is massive for him. Now he has his red belt he's itching to earn his yellow belt. I'm. So happy he's found something that he loves and that has good at.
I have my first therepy session on Friday and I'm nervous what to expect. I'm hoping talking more will help me get a hold of how I'm feeling. I'm not too good at talking to people about the serious stuff so will have to see how that pans out.
Now I need sleep, no doubt il be woken up at 5.30am again........ I feel tired for 2moro already.
It seems pretty unfair that once again im back in this dark place. It's like my mind is in a prison that I can't break it out from....
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