Saturday, 30 March 2019

Mum Guilt

This week I got invited into the school for a mother's day coffee and craft morning. These types of things fill me with dread usually. I'm not really a "coffee shop" mum who gets together with other mums to talk about how amazing our kids are.  I'm the mum that stands in the playground at home time looking down at her phone pretending to be busy so as not to make eye contact with anyone.  It's not because I'm miserable (much to everyone's amazement) I guess I've just become a little socially awkward as I've gotten older.  I'm not sure what the reason for this is, but it's definitely something I need to address during my therepy sessions.

The morning was actually OK.  The 3 of us Sat together and coloured in some bookmarks for each other. The kids did about 10 actually because they decided they needed to reel out the family tree so that the world and his wife had one made for them.  I could see their little faces light up at having me there and Oscar clock watched the whole way through because he didn't want the session to end.  I have mum guilt a lot because sometimes there are things I'm not able to go to because of pain and it kills me when I have to disappoint them so seeing how happy they were to have me there was amazing.

I need to be present more and to get my health and brain into a better place. The one thing I'm worried about is them looking back on their childhood and seeing huge gaps where their mum should be.  I want them to know that I did my best and was there for the little things because they are the things that will mean the most. I want their memories of growing up to be the best ones.  I know it's cliché but they really don't stay small for long and every day counts. Before I know it they will be grown up and gone and my nest will be empty....... But that is definately something I don't want to think about.

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