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Wednesday, 15 May 2019

Sophia x

This is the worst month for me. It makes my anxiety shoot through the roof. Any progress I think I've made in recent months I feel gets wiped out when it comes to the month of May.

When our eldest was about 15 months old we fell pregnant again. It was a huge shock because it had only been a few months since our house fire and my back injury and I was terrified. After the initial shock had worn off though we were both so excited that we would have another little one. The 12 week scan was perfect and it was so lovely to see our little baby on the screen jumping all over the place. 

It was soon time for our 20 week scan and I remember us both being so excited to find out the sex of the baby (quietly keeping my fingers crossed for a girl so I'd get to buy all the pretty things)
When we went into the scan the sonographer advised we would need another scan in a weeks time because the babies heartbeat was a little irregular. 
I fell to pieces.. I just had that horrid feeling you get when you know something is terribly wrong.  
I only made it to 5 days before I had to be admitted with horrendous pain. 
I remember the midwife trying so hard to the find the babies heartbeat on the little sonicaid and the using the stethoscope.  I asked her if it was normal at this stage for it to be hard to find and she looked at me and said that at 20 weeks it's very unusual and that I needed to go straight for a scan.
I looked at Dale and burst into tears... It was then that I knew we had lost our baby. The scan confirmed it. 
The pain I felt id never felt before. It was overwhelming and affected my whole body.  That conversation with the midwife has stuck with me ever since. 
On 11th May 2011 I gave birth to a beautiful sleeping little girl at 21 weeks. We named her Sophia.  I cuddled her close to me for the next few hours before having to say goodbye.
I left the hospital with nothing but a little box which contained her shawl and her tiny hand and footprints. No baby wrapped up in a car seat and no baby bump. I was devestated and broken. 

This month brings back all those feelings I felt on that day. 
My dad also died on 17th May 2008 so with that added, my emotions are never under control.
My biggest hope is that going to therepy will help me deal with these two traumas better. They say time is a great healer but unfortunately for me that hasn't been the case. 

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