Saturday, 31 August 2019


We've had a few challenging weeks with Oscar and his behaviour throughout the summer holidays. It's driven me to the absolute limit on occasion. I think hes bored.. He's at the age now (almost 10) where he wants a bit more freedom. I know at his age I was out with friends in my village and allowed to go to the shop on my own round the corner.
I'm struggling to figure out whether he is old enough yet. The world has changed since I was little and I'm worried sick about something happening. Am I being too strict? These decisions are the worst part of parenting. The not knowing if you are doing the right thing or if you're being over protective and stopping him from experiencing life as he's growing up.  All I know is that the world is a scary place and I want to keep him safe from it, but am I letting my fears and my problems get in the way of what is probably a very normal progression? Any help or opinions would be much appreciated.

It has felt like a very long 6 weeks. I've struggled a lot with back pain a lot but we have gotten out when we could.  We've visited new indoor play areas which cater for kids up to 12 which is amazing and all 4 kids love it. We've been there a few times over the weeks.  We have been to the cinema and we went to Whipsnade Zoo last week to celebrate Kaspers 4th birthday.
The kids also had a day out at another zoo with Nanny and had movie night and a sleepover after.
Unfortunately we've not managed to get away for a holiday this year but hoping that next year we will.
I always feel guilty on the days where I've not been able to be out and about but this has been our lives since Oscar was a baby. I try so hard in other ways to make it up to them because mum guilt takes over and I feel like a bit of a failure.

Now that Kaspers birthday has been and gone it's the time of year I start planning Christmas. With 4 children (2 with their birthdays in the Christmas break too) I have to budget and plan ahead.  It's stressful because I like to make each year special for them all but I do secretly enjoy doing it. Nothing is better than their little faces on Christmas morning.

3 more days of the summer holidays left... I love my children dearly but the start of school can't come soon enough. I think I need a holiday to recover from these past 6 weeks.

Wednesday, 7 August 2019


We have had a sad day today. The kids Grandad Ken passed away peacefully in his sleep after a long battle with Cancer.  We have had a few discussions about what we would do when the time came and we decided that sitting them down and explaining in the best way possible whats happened was probably the right way to go.
  Oscar took it better than expected but will be keeping an eye on him because he's pretty sensitive and is like me in many ways and will bottle things up until he eventually can't anymore.
Scarlett was very upset. Lots of tears this morning like we expected from her. She spent the morning drawing some lovely pictures of her memories with him that she is going to pass on to her Nanny Pam.
   I don't think Kasper has really understood or grasped what has happened. He's still young and has not yet turned 4 so we tried not to go into too much detail with him about it.

Death is such a strange thing.  It is a subject I'm very uncomfortable with and is the root of all my anxieties. I'm not yet over my dad's death 11 years later so I don't really know how to place what I feel about it happening to others.  There have been a few tears on my part.  He was such a lovely man and even though not the kids biological grandad, always treated them like they were. He will be hugely missed by us all.

I know death is as natural a process as life is but I'm not sure il ever get my head around it.  I'm hoping therapy will help me to be able to deal with these things better.

Monday, 5 August 2019


The last couple of months have had its fair share of ups and downs.  I'm still struggling with my mental health.  I'm on a lot of medications for my pain and have gained weight, this is one of the side effects but I am one of those people that doesnt read the little information leaflet that they put in with every box of tablets.

The weight issue has got me to a place where I don't want to leave the house or be seen in public. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look and I just can't seem to find a way through it at the moment. It has been difficult as it's the summer holidays and the kids want to be out of the house.  I'm going to see the Dr tomorrow in the hope she can help me find some sort of solution.  I'm not sleeping properly either so that wont be helping.
The joys of being a mum with a disability and mental health issues. I try my hardest not to let the kids pick up on my struggles because it's not something they should have to think or worry about.

Kasper has now graduated from Pre School and is very excited to start big school in September. I sobbed on his last day, I'm so bloody proud of him for how he has dealt with the huge changes that have happened over the last few months. I can't believe how quickly time has gone. 19 days and he will be 4 years old.

Oscar and Scarlett-Rose have both had glowing reports and they now love school. When we moved I had the worst mum guilt from having to change their school and leaving their friends.  I now think that it was the best decision we've made. They are both so settled and have lots of new friends and are thriving. They can't wait to go back in September.

Marley is now on his feet and running wild. He rules the roost! He has the most infectious personality and knows exactly what he wants. Please someone press pause.

I feel very blessed to have my little family.
I'm trying my hardest to be a good mum to them all. I feel guilty constantly for things I'm not able to do.  I'm hoping that my therapy will start soon and that with the support of the Dr and my husband (who is just amazing by the way with all the things he does for us) I will start to feel better.


Im really struggling today. i feel sad and hopeless and i cant pull myself out of it,  I told myself that once Milas due date had paased, th...