Tuesday, 3 September 2019

Honesty post

When I decided to start writing the blog and putting my thoughts and feelings down on 'paper' so to speak, I promised myself I'd be an honest mum and not be one of those people who sugar coat their perfect lives and put them into tiny squares on Instagram. So here I am being truthful about how things are right now.

I'm 34. I'm not quite sure how I got to be that old but unfortunately that's the number I'm on this year.  I've been struggling with back pain from when I broke it in an accident almost 10 years ago. I have developed fybromyalgia from the trauma of that along side PTSD. I have depression and anxiety which I've suffered with for over 10 years also.

I've always struggled with my weight. At school I used to eat chewing gum and drink water for lunch after already skipping breakfast because I thought I was fat. It's only when I look back at photos now that I realise I wasn't. Far from it actually.

Since then I think I've become an emotional eater.  I've a really unhealthy relationship with food. I've been to slimming World but found it hard because I dont think it's strict enough. I don't want to be able to eat all the pasta I like because that's not having control.
Fast forward to now where after having 5 babies, I've gained and lost weight so many times I've lost count.  At the moment my weight is quite high and I feel so unhappy about it. I feel like a terrible role model for my children too because I'm not healthy and I certainly don't want them thinking that this is a healthy way to live.  That's why tomorrow I start on an 800kcal diet.
It's 2 shakes and one evening meal. It probably sounds extreme but trust me when I say that I need to do it.  My weight affects my mental health too and I've been very very down for a long time. It won't be helping with my back pain either.

I've decided that as well as my life as a mum that il be documenting my weight loss too, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I need to do this for myself and for my babies because ultimately they are my priority and I have to do everything I can to make sure I'm around for them for a very long time.

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Our Angel Mila

It seems pretty unfair that once again im back in this dark place.  It's like my mind is in a prison that I can't break it out from....