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Friday, 24 January 2020

The Struggle is real

This pregnancy seems to be going pretty fast. On Monday we find out the sex of the baby and I'm full of nerves for the scan itself despite having one 4 weeks ago and seeing our healthy baby on the screen.
When we were waiting for our turn to be scanned I saw a face that filled me with instant dread.  It took a few minutes to place him but he was the sonographer who told us that Sophias heart had stopped 8 years ago. It's a situation I know I've not dealt with properly and nearly had a panic attack over the thought of history repeating itself. Thank goodness for Dale being there to calm me down.
I'd already recided that if it was him that called my name then I was going to ask to wait until another sonographer was free. This probably sounds ridiculous to most but I wouldn't have coped in there with him. 
Thankfully I wasn't on his list and all was well. 

I'm a bag of nerves already for Monday as I am with all scans. The kids however are so excited to find out whether they are having a new baby sister or a baby brother. Kasper comes home from school everyday and the first thing he does is tell me how many days left until we find out. 
I wish I was one of those people who could wait and have it be a surprise but I like to be fully prepared when the baby comes and there's only so many neutral baby grows you can buy!. We also always make sure we have names set in stone before the gender scan so that we can put name to baby as soon as we find out. 

This pregnancy so far has been tough. I'm having a lot of problems with my back as I've had to come off my strong pain killers while I'm pregnant.  I'm also still not eating much and my iron levels have plummeted. 
  My mental health is suffering too. I keep telling myself that I can't do this again, that I won't be a good mother etc when I'm having a bad few days. I put a lot of nopressure on myself about how I look too and at the moment I feel and look disgusting.  I can't remember the last time I even wore makeup.  I feel perminantly hungover and I've not even had the fun the night before. 
I'm hoping that once Monday is done and dusted my mood will improve a little.  Fingers crossed🤞


Saturday, 4 January 2020

Oscar turns 10

When you have a baby you tend to have people with children tell you how you should treasure every moment because before you know it years will have passed and they will have grown up.  While you are struggling with sleep deprivation and knee deep in nappies and baby bottles you can't see past the end of the next day let alone a year so it seems so unlikely at the time.
Today my first born made it to double figures.  He's 10! That's an entire decade old! I've managed to keep a whole other person safe and alive for 10 whole years, and those years have gone in a flash.
It feels like yesterday that after 22hrs in labour I was handed a tiny, hairy and beautiful little boy.  I remember falling in love and being utterly terrified all at the same time.   I was barely able to look after myself,  how was I going to be responsible for someone else? And he was so small and looked very breakable.   Noone tells you that from that day forward you will worry from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep at night, it's a never ending cycle of anxiety.   It's also the most rewarding job in the world.  Watching them grow and turning into little people, hearing them call you mummy and taking their first little steps.  They are the most important person in your life and to them you are their entire world. There is nothing quite like it.

I'm so proud of how Oscar has grown up to be the most clever (sometimes a little too clever for his own good) caring boy.  He's the best big brother to his 3 siblings and I know he will dote on the baby when he/she arrives.

It is true

Broken

Im really struggling today. i feel sad and hopeless and i cant pull myself out of it,  I told myself that once Milas due date had paased, th...