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Tuesday, 5 May 2020

May

Im having a bit of a hard time at the moment. Lockdown is starting to make me go crazy and my anxiety is at an all time high.
May is the worst month of the year for me. Its the month i gave birth to and then buried our first little princess Sophia. She would have been almost 9 now..i always wonder what sort of personality she would have had, whether her hair would be ginger like her little sisters and if she would be just as sassy. A piece of my heart died when she did and there has been a hole ever since. Something changes in you when you bury a child. you will never be the same person again and although with time you learn how to live life along side it, the grief never stops. i guess you just find a new normal and cope the best you can.

My dad died in May too. he never got to meet my amazing husband or his grand children. He would have loved every moment of being a grandad and the kids would have adored him.  I was only 22 when he died.  Nothing prepares you for the pain you feel when you lose a parent. We were close, he knew how to wind me up and we always argued but i loved him so much and id give anything for a cuddle from him now and for him to reasure me.
Ive never fully come to terms with his death and after 12 years there are still days when i cry and grieve for him.

Because of these traumas i have always dreaded this month coming about. I have anxiety in April because i know whats coming. My anxiety is mostly because of people around me dying, my head sits and goes through different situations where Dale or one of the kids die because im so terrified of losing someone else. I dont know if i could carry on if that happened.

Its also my Birthday on Thirsday. Im never able to feel happy and to celebrate because my anxiety wont let me.  I dont feel like i deserve to be happy in the month i lost my dad and my baby. I try my hardest to put on a brave face because Dale and the kids go to so much effort every year and i feel bad that this black cloud gets in the way every year.
I did start therapy just before i fell pregnant with Mila but because the pregnancy was so hard I decided to wait until after the baby was born. Obviously losing Mila has now added to my sadness so its something i will be self refering to again. Im  also on the highest dose of anti depressants and anxiety meds so therapy os the only thing i can do now to help my mental health.

I keep trying to tell myself that Im allowed to feel sad about all these things. Im allowed to be sad this month.  My long term goal is to be able to get a hold of my anxiety  and be able to live again. i want to be able to have fun and i dont want to dread certain things coming up.
Im hoping therapy teaches me new coping methods for when days/weeks/months lile this happen.

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