Wednesday, 8 July 2020
Im really struggling today. i feel sad and hopeless and i cant pull myself out of it, I told myself that once Milas due date had paased, that id be able to get on with it and learn to move on. I thought that i would start to heal and come to terms with the fact that she isnt coming home.
As ive talked about before, Mila was an accident. we had come to the decision after having Marley that we were done having children and that 4 was the right number to stop on. Dale went and had his vasectomy in September and during the 3 month window where you are supposed to use precautions, Mila was concieved.
I wont lie and say that we were over the moon when we found out, we were both a bit shell shocked and worried because one of the reasons we decided not to have any more babies was because pregnancy takes a serious toll on my body. I had problems with my kidneys with Marley and developed gestational diabetes. i was in and out of the hospital quite a lot so when he was born it was decided that it would be best for me and fir my body not to be pregnant again,
The shock didnt last long though and I quickly came around to the idea of having another addition to our family and we were excited to meet her.
Unfortunitely it wasnt meant to be and after my waters broke at 16 weeks we were told that the water around baby was low, and by 19 weeks there was no water at all and sadly Mila passed away.
Since having her ive got a pain in my heart that wont shift, some days I cope fine, and i thought i was actually coping pretty well until today when i realised what i was doing.
Ive been hoping and praying that my period doesnt come. Ive been telling myself that i will conceive another baby. Today when I realised that my period had arrived, i was heartbroken. Just like i was last month and the month bedore,
I know that its not possible because Dale has had a Vasectomy but its kind of been keeping me going,
Im sat here on my own in the middle of the night sobbing at the realisation that its never going to happen again. Il never be pregnant or be in that amazing new born bubble again and i just cant come to terns with that. Im meant to be awake because im feeding my newborn baby right now, Instead im sat crying and looking at her tiny hand prints in the frame on my wallm along side those of her big sister that we lost 9 years ago. what do i do and how can i move on from this?? I know i Have 4 beautiful children already and believe me when i say i feel so blessed to have them, but it doesnt stop this from hurting,
Wednesday, 1 July 2020
Thankfully we are now finally in July. I know it sounds stupid to "hate" particular months but id rather hide under a rock for the whole of May each year. it reminds me of really dark times that Ive not properly dealt with.
This year June was much of the same.
Yesterday was the date I was booked in to have Mila by c-section. I should be all consumed in my newborn baby bubble right now. Another little princess to call my own. its hard to say that it wasnt meant to be because my heart still thinks it is. Im longing to hold my new baby in my arms and never let her go, but im learning slowly how to come to terms with the fact that unfortunately we cant have anymore babies. Mila was our last little miracle. it hurts, both physically and mentally.
We are gradually starting to see a new normal after coming out of lockdown. we decided that although Kasper could have gone back to school, that we think it would be safer to keep them all at home until September. This is a personal choice and i dont judge anyone who has decided otherwise, you have to do what is right for your family.
we have now had all 4 kids at home for 14 weeks. we try to do some schoolwork with them but arnt pressuring them into completing every thing thats been set. It got to the point where both the kids and us were perminantly stressed out. Their mental health is much more important especially with all the changes at the moment. Each day for us is different and some days like today are hard but we are muddling through one day at a time.
We have all loved the recent heat wave and have taken full advantage of the fact that we can get the pool out. Our garden is only small and not very accomodating but we make the most of it and the kids have had the best time splashing about and soaking us at every opportunity.
We were so happy last weekend to finally be re-united with nanny and grandad! the kids have struggled alot with not seeing them so it was lovely to have a little bbq in their garden and the kiddies got to play in the pool and run through the sprinklers. we obviously adhered to the guidelines which feels so odd but so grateful to be out and spending time with the family at long last.
Im now keeping everything crossed that the easing of the lockdown rules doesnt create a second wave of the virus. This year so far has been a pretty harsh one all round. we are now over the half way point xx
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